where i will be completely snarky and evil.

dear ______, i wish my boyfriend never knew you and got into a relationship with you. you’re a psycho bitch, full of horrible problems and filled will evil. you’re manipulative and greedy, in every sense of the word; you’re a big fat liar; and you can never get along well with anyone. he may trust you and all that, but i certainly dont, and i probably will never. you’re one of the worst people i’ve ever met in my life. honestly, i wish you never lived. i don’t wish people death, but i sure wish you don’t exist. and i most definitely wish my boyfriend never met you.

dear ______, you’re another idiot. you’re just as bad as the girl above. you’re also a psycho bitch, with problems no one can ever solve because you never try to. you just whine and complain and expect someone else to help you. you’re also a big fat liar, like the girl above – you never mean what you say. i also will not wish you death, but i wish you don’t exist. and i also wish my boyfriend never met you.

dear ______, lay your filthy hands off my boyfriend. he’s not yours and never will be. and you’re freaking ugly, too.  you’ve actually got pretty looks, but gosh, what you did just colours you ugly. and you’re fat (thankfully). get yourself your own boyfriend, will you, and stop wanting mine? thank you.

to anyone who reads this: yes, i’m super evil. so shoot me. i’ve never written anything this vile before, and i hope this is my last. stupid women. stupid boyfriend (sometimes).

Tres Sick.

I am tres sick of fake friendships, be it real-life or online ones.

It’s About Time.

It’s time I started writing again here. Yesterday I was flipping through my pink book, the one in which I wrote during my university years (starting from 2004), and I was reminded about how easily I wrote in comparison to now. I have two active blogs and one rather inactive blog, but I feel so demotivated to write there. And I realized, while reading my pink book, that it’s because I was writing for OTHERS and not *myself* at those blogs! No wonder I didn’t feel like writing! I know a lot of writers will say, bah, you should write for others because if you don’t, how can you call yourself a writer? And I will say BAH to them back, because who says I’m not a writer just because I write for myself? Donkeys!

So from now onwards, I will try to scribble as Libelula as much as possible. I yearn to go back to those times when words just flowed out of my mind and heart, when I didn’t need to edit my thoughts or feelings, when I just wrote for my eyes (and probably Mari’s eyes) only. I know I write best when I write for myself. Yeah yeah, I also know that my writing should benefit others (and I WANT it to benefit others, when I write Christian-related stuff for kids or teenagers in the future), but I think that will only work if I subconsciously think of writing to myself. Does that make sense? It makes sense to me, at least.

Anyway, I want to add other things in this post. Before I go on, I’m sorry if my post seems a little disjointed, because I’m at work now and it’s hard to concentrate on business writing on one hand and casual writing on the other! Hahahah. I know, Mari’s gonna scold me, but what the heck. I need to spill this out before I pop like a champagne cork.

I am superbly happy for two of my friends, N and U, who are in love with each other (though they were trying to deny it earlier). N visited U in her country, and right now they are together. I am happy that they are getting to know each other in person,  and so far the reports from them have been great – both say the other is simply magnificent, and they are saying that they’re having the time of their lives. My heart is excited and happy for them because they’re both good people and deserve all the love that they need.

But I will not pretend that at the same time, I feel sad and a little envious. Not all-out jealous (and I know what I’m saying here), but only envious, because I wish with all my heart that my beau is with me now. I told that to him, and he said he wants to be with me too. It’s so difficult. In fact, it’s so difficult that I don’t think I could read any of N and U’s posts about meeting each other. If they were just friends, I’d be okay with it. But because they love each other, it’s different. And I know I sound like a complete party-pooper by saying what I have just said, but I cannot LIE! This is how I truly feel!

That’s why I have been praying to God, asking Him to HELP ME. I can’t do this by myself. I can’t go through reading N and U’s posts or chat with them about their meetup. It will make me ache so much to meet my own lover, my own fiance. I love that man so much, it hurts inside that I don’t get to touch him and kiss him.

Sigh. I know, I’m stupid. I FEEL stupid. Lord, PLEASE HELP ME. I have a feeling that one day I will look back and say, “Gosh I was completely stupid to have felt that way”, but right now, this is it. This is how I truly feel. Help me, God. Please.

Bullets.

• I’m sick of being called “cute”. When will I ever be “beautiful”?
• I hate being worried, but it seems like I’m really good at it.
• I need to pray a lot more than I am praying now.
• Help me, Lord.

Too Much of a Good Thing…

When I first joined that site, things were good. I made lots of friends, grew to be very close to them, and loved them. Then I made the mistake of becoming too popular for my own good. Now, I don’t even LIKE seeing the name of the site, and I don’t like a lot of people on there (not my friends, though).

What a dilemma.

Grateful.

I’m so glad that I did not give up on Mr B (after my previous post). Our relationship is growing stronger step by step, day by day. Thank you Lord Jesus, for your love and grace. May we continue in this vein.

Struggling. Warring.

Oh Mr B… I never ever thought I would fall in love with someone like you. Someone who drinks (and has a recurring problem) and had a drug problem (though thankfully you have overcome it since a few years ago). Someone who has been called by God to be a youth pastor, but at this point of time does not want to heed the call. Someone who has gone to jail twice. Someone who has court cases to settle. Someone who went to college but did not graduate. In the eyes of most people, you don’t seem like a very good person. In fact, almost everybody will tell me to stay away from you.

How does one define a “good person”, though? Because even though you are or have all those things above, you are also an honest person. You are patient, sweet, generous, caring, respectful. You love your family and friends very much. You love God even though you don’t always obey Him. You have also had your heart broken many times by women as well as by the recent death of your grandmother, whom you loved dearly. You can cook and clean without complaining. You have your own house and your own vehicles. You have repented from your old ways. You have told me from the very beginning that you made a lot of mistakes in your life. And you love me.

I know you understand how I feel when I told you I am struggling with these things about you. I thank you for being patient with me while I sort out my feelings (evil things they can be) and thoughts. I thank you for not being mad at me for struggling, even though being made at me is both justified and not justified.

On my part, I am not mad at all. I am just sad, because I never ever thought I would fall in love with a guy like you. If I were an evil person, I would tell myself to drop you because in a lot of people’s eyes, you are not good enough for me. But who am I to judge you and say that, when I know who you are inside? Even God himself has forgiven you and continues to forgive you, no matter how bad you may be.

You know, it’s funny how in terms of the things you have done that are “clearly wrong”, you are “worse” than my ex-boyfriends. But in terms of the things you are as a person, the attitudes and characteristics that you have, you are so much better than them. You do not suffocate me with your love (and they have). You have not hurt me, and you have never lied to me (and they have). You are not mean to me (and they have). You treat me with respect (they didn’t) and do not force me to do things I don’t want to do (and they did). You understand me (and they didn’t). And you care about my family (and they didn’t).

I am truly struggling and warring inside my heart now. OH LORD, I WISH THINGS WERE EASIER. I wish that you didn’t do the things you did in the past. BUT… that would make me such a selfish bitch, because I would only be caring about myself. What you did in the past is your past, and God has forgiven you. Who am I to judge you? You have been so honest with me, and I do not want to be cruel to you.

Oh Mr B… You make me want to cry. You make me want to weep. At the same time, my love for you refuses to decrease. I won’t let it decrease. Please God, speak to me.

the forgotten countries.

Remember this Pulse I wrote a few days back? That idea has been on my mind a lot, especially since I came back from Spain and started reading Global Voices Online. My idea of living frugally is having just enough money to support myself in the work that I am supposed to do, but with technology included, such as my laptop and my mobile phone. It of course, however, doesn’t mean that I get garbed in the latest fashions and haute couture or go crazy-shopping like Spanish women during summer sales. I have no plans for that because I don’t care for it.

What I DO care, or try to care about, though, is the world at large – issues in what I call “The Forgotten Countries” for us English-speaking people, such as Bolivia, Madagascar, Namibia, Nepal, Paraguay. That’s one thing that bugs me. I wrote that I have lots of global friends, but I do even try to make contact with anyone in the countries I just mentioned, especially the Spanish-speaking ones? Why am I focusing so much on the nations that are “famous” already, like the US, the UK, Canada, even Spain [I don't mean any offense], and not on those that need to be known?

That is why I said I am toying with the idea of going to any country God has in mind for me (not just the UK now), and doing the work that I need to do there, but keep myself connected to the world at large too. Oh, I *definitely* wish, and will still wish, to return to Spain. Like I’ve said before, pieces of my heart are floating in Madrid and Granada, and I need to get them back. But what if God calls me to Bolivia? To Ecuador? To Namibia? To Thailand? Am I ready to say “yes, God”, and go without fighting and struggling? Right now I feel like I would say yes, but I dare not promise that that is what I would say to Him when the time comes. I don’t know my future answer, and I still don’t know exactly what I am supposed to do in the destined country.

But I do know that if I were to go, I would need money. Hence my current mission of saving money as much as I can by not spending it on things like clothes/ books (sigh!)/ expensive food (I try to eat cheaply)/ accessories/ etc. It’s not easy, especially living in a city where everyone else is spending money like it drops from heaven. I have also told myself not to get a credit card yet because if I do, I don’t know if I can control myself.

I also know now that I cannot work in my company forever. Not that it isn’t good (I hardly complain about it because there’s just nothing to complain about!), but my heart and mind are elsewhere. I yearn to be among people that live simply but happily, among underprivileged children (I can’t stand spoilt kids), among the hurting. I expect life among them to be quite hard for me in terms of luxuries and things I am used to, such as food and clean water, but I am willing now to give them up so that I can do something more useful than what I am doing at present.

I think the key is to be patient. I cannot go anywhere without money, and I cannot go without assurance that this is what God really wants me to do. And I surely cannot go if my grasp of Spanish is horrible. But how can I ignore the desires of my heart that have been so strong after my Spanish stint? How can I pretend that world issues don’t affect me even a little? How can I go about my daily life pretending that TV shows. movies, and concerts are important things to me?

My prayer is that one day, those Forgotten Countries will not be forgotten by me anymore. Even though I may only get to one of the Forgotten Countries, I don’t intend to keep the rest forgotten. Dear Lord, please help me. Amen.

Somos flores del mismo jardín.
We are flowers from the same garden.
[Quote taken from Bolivia Indigena]

that idiot.

i’m trying very hard not to think about him, and most of the time i succeed… but my mind betrays me sometimes. i miss him a lot. i miss the old him. i miss the times we’d spent on the phone, just being witty and funny, sharing sweet moments. i miss kissing him. i miss being in his arms. i miss him telling me that he loves me. but i can’t tell him all those things. damn him.

he’s coming.

and though i’m half excited, i’m also half scared.
i will NOT cry.
i will NOT do anything except act completely normal.
i will BE myself.
i will NOT care about what he thinks.
i will NOT care if he’s heartless and emotionless.

mariposa, por favor, rezas para mi…

and now. what’s happening?
*headache!
*hand ache.
*i definitely have a HUUUUGE crush on sD. <sigh>
*stomach full.
*i love michael johns.

that’s it for now. longer post tomorrow, hopefully…

hasta luego,
libelula.